- The Karma of Relationships and the Trap of Seduction -

We continue our discussion about why we like or don’t like people and situations and why we attract the relationships we do, for better or worse.

Today we’ll take a look at seductions of the mind, and how to change our karmic patterns to stop attracting hurtful relationships and find healthy relationships, including better friendships and Soul Mates, one of whom is our Twin Flame.

Karma and Relationships

I’ve heard it said over the years that we all have karma with every person we meet. I don’t really agree, since I believe many interactions are the first and only time we’ll have anything to do with many of the people we meet by chance. However, it is true that many people we meet on the path of Life are the result of past karmas which require a certain fulfillment or closure of that type of interactive energy or desire.

Each person we’re attracted to shows an inner pattern, but we don’t necessarily have “unfinished karma” with many that we meet. The choices we made in the past affect who shows up in our future and when, and it’s more useful to look at who leaves and who comes in as expressions of our own “attraction factor.” That’s why we have to examine ourselves to find how we invited those relationships which make it clear that certain patterns have to go, and we have no business going certain places, regardless of how inviting they may seem.

Because none of us is born wise and none of us were raised by Saints or Sages, we learn a lot of things which don’t serve our highest Self, but are a part of the family and cultural matrix we live within before we grow beyond it. I devote quite a bit of time in "Saturn: Spiritual Master, Spiritual Friend” examining how our families and culture shape our expectations and desires, and why we have to become aware of these subconscious patterns if we are to move away from unhealthy relationship expectations and embrace more loving, wise, and understanding relationships. We have to model certain things before we have to grow beyond them, and relationships are a perfect mirror to show us what was, what is, and what could be.

Because we don’t have perfect foreknowledge, I believe many relationships and associated choices must be chalked up to "it seemed like a good idea at the time." These sorts of relationships always bring us to a point of choice and change; will we continue to put energy into the relationship or is it time to walk away? We always have to be ready to claim our power to say “no” if we need to, while being the best Self we can be in the midst of the difficulty.

How long a relationship lasts is entirely determined by how we treat each other. As we all know, once in a while relationships were thought were good turn sour due to all kinds of reasons, sometimes through circumstances that aren't the "fault" of either person. These are the times when self-reflection about our part in how things developed can reveal our blind spots as well as our strengths, and give us perspective about what we are and are not responsible for.

Again, over time we develop habits and attitudes toward those we’re with. These shape our behavior and expectations. As we get to know someone, we confront our need to tolerate harmless idiosyncrasies while taking note of harmful behaviors which might become deal breakers if continued. While we always have to practice patience, tolerance, and loving kindness, we never have to put up with non-loving, abusive, manipulative, or one-sided relationships.

An Introduction to Seduction

Beware of seductions. They are everywhere, never harmless, and fog our discernment. All toxic relationships have some element of seduction, or coercion. Seductions can be subtle or obvious, but none lead to healthy relationships. When younger, seduction feels very exciting, but over time we all learn that the wreckage isn't worth the price.

One type of seduction involves negotiations that involve us compromising something we believe in, or being pressured or coerced into something that doesn't feel quite right. When seduction is happening, we may feel like we’re spinning our wheels, or that something is one-sided to the point where we know something's wrong, whether we can put our finger on it or not. Other seductions involve power games that leave us feeling like something is out of balance or a sense of increasing powerlessness, or when we struggle with ideas or feelings that aren't ordinarily there when we're happy. These times often involve feeling responsible for something we’re not responsible for.

Beware of perceived agreements you didn’t agree to, or a sense of being blamed for not making something happen according to another’s expectation. Those are seductions. So is being persuaded that what we remember isn’t true, and what another remembers is true, with no comparison of the facts as each remembers them. Seduction and Gaslighting are often found together.

Look for the lie or misrepresentation in a seduction, especially deceptions which are justified by one to the detriment of the other. No healthy relationship has one party undermining the other, creating dependencies or self-doubt, or diminishing the sense of love we have for ourselves. When we feel these are happening, if we dig a little deeper we usually find a form of narcissistic behavior fueling a seduction being forced on us.

Narcissism is not Self-Love. It is vanity attached to a perception which exalts the false sense of the ego-self over any true feeling of love. Narcissism wants what it wants because it feeds its need for “importance” or “power” or “control.” Narcissistic people don’t care about their influence on others; they simply want their desires fulfilled. These interactions are where we must honor our self-worth and not get pulled into someone else’s house of mirrors.

We all want to be courted; seductions are not related to courtship. We can learn the difference between courtship and seduction by looking to see which relationships brought out our higher love or lower desires, or the higher love or lower desires in another. As we turn away from seductions, we stop wanting attachments and affections that leave us feeling badly, or a sense that we’re not being true to ourselves.

In the next section we’ll take a deeper look at various types of seductions arising from superficial affections and maladjusted desire minds and explore how to identify and detach from ours and others’ projections. Once we know the differences between courtship and seduction we can learn the difference between healthy affection and actions which leave us feeling wounded.

The Difference Between Seduction and Courtship

We’ll begin this section by referencing an ancient Chinese book of Wisdom called The I Ching which makes a distinction between seduction and courtship by referencing the nature of how we influence others and how they influence us. In one highly respected translation, it offers that any healthy influence between people must stem from “reciprocity that stimulates joy,” indicating we’re on the same “harmonic wave length” as the other. To understand healthy influences, we must look at innate tendencies and see how various influences work in us and others.

Expanding on the concept, from Hexagram 31, "Influence (Wooing)" also known in various other translations as "attraction," "persuasion," and "reciprocity":

... for it is perseverance that makes the difference between seduction and courtship; in the latter the stronger takes a position inferior to that of the weaker and shows consideration to them. This attraction between affinities is a general law of Nature. Heaven and earth attract each other and thus all creatures come into being. Through such attraction the sage influences human hearts, and thus the world attains peace. From the attractions they exert we can learn the nature of all beings in heaven and on Earth. (Wilhelm/Baynes edition)

So “consideration” is a quality of respectful sincere affection. That implies we can evaluate whether a seduction is going on by the consideration or lack of consideration of one for another. This often accompanies a lack of respect for appropriate boundaries, and/or not allowing for a healthy individuality to express itself.

When there’s a coercion or a push and pull that seems out of balance, it’s a seduction as are offers which disrupt our life with associated demands to explain why we aren't going along with something we never wanted to begin with. Even when seductions seem to be playful, be alert of overt or implied threats if you don't go along with them.

These can be active threats or passive threats. Examples of passive threats are when another goes into a mood while withholding affection, gifts, or even emotional connectedness. Moods always indicate a seduction is present, since they are manufactured feelings. When we are emotionally mature, we can express ourselves without threats or coercions.

Beware of offers which you never asked for but are used to demand something from you. For example, “I've done x, y, and z for you, and you don't seem to care.” Or “Because I've done a, b, and c, you should be doing d, e or f.” While it’s always good to reciprocate loving gestures, there’s a huge difference between coercive manipulation and genuine reciprocity. While we always love to be in a dance where we both express genuine love, gratitude, and appreciation, those cannot happen if there’s a coercion going on.

Basically, if someone makes a demand for something they did for you, make sure you agreed to the bargain to begin with. If you didn’t ask for a gift, but there is an expectation you will do something simply because they brought you a gift, (other than thank them,) it’s a seduction.

Reciprocity helps a relationship stay in balance, but seductions aren’t about reciprocity. They are manipulations to get something. Some of these are relatively harmless while others will bring disaster. That’s why it’s important, when someone’s trying to get us to agree to something, to ask: What are we agreeing to, and why are we agreeing to it?

Ultimately, all moods arise in the subconscious desire-mind. People who operate from that level have good moods when their subconscious desire-mind has been bought off, and bad moods when their desire mind has been frustrated in getting what it wants. That’s why when a seduction is happening there will usually be more moods, and moodiness, than usual.

Beware of too much emotional baggage coming up too quickly. These are relationships which escalate much too quickly to be authentic. Always take note if there’s a need for one to “save” another, or “be saved” from something by another. Seductions do not like a healthy autonomy, as they are based in unconscious power and control factors.

To the degree our inner Lover is unhealthy, we are needy and hope someone will come along to end our feelings of inadequacy. If our inner Lover is healthy, we tend not to attract destructive or clingy people who get attached and controlling, or those who quickly begin offloading heavy emotional freight or expecting a form of salvation from us and what we offer or don't. Beware of relationships which bring up self-pity or a sense of victimization, as these are common forms of seducing another into "helping" in ways that don't help.

As an aside, Robert Johnson (the author, not the blues legend!) wrote some interesting things about the nature of seduction in his three classic works, He, She, and We. These are short, enchanting works that explore certain archetypes within us and our world, and definitely worth the time.

As We Embrace A Greater Love, We Become A Greater Love

Our Higher Self is immune from the seductions of the world, as it only seeks to express the Loving wise intelligence we always are and always will be. Because we ARE loving and wise, we can allow these qualities of our Soul-Spirit to govern all our interactions. As we embrace and identify with our Higher Self, we become indifferent to seductions and can see through them when we are in their presence.

The greater our ability to BE the love we seek, the greater our ability to love “All There Is.” As our love and wisdom grows, we can know peace and are not moved by moods and seductions. There are solid reference points where we know we have found and are living a higher love. When we're oriented toward our higher Love, we cannot be seduced away from that which supports and allows our Soul to come forth.

All relationships show us what we do and do not like or admire, or perhaps need to learn to like or admire. In learning about what to embrace and what to refuse, we learn what matters a lot, what matters a little, and what doesn’t or shouldn’t matter at all. Sometimes in our friendships we simply must tolerate some relatively harmless dislikes so we can respond better to unfamiliar things which don’t fit our preconceptions.

Others also go through this in their relationship to us. We usually don't have problems with what we both like; the rub in relationships is what one or both don't like. That's where small frictions become the grist for the mill of Soul, where we both learn the art of give and take. The Lover must learn the give and take in relationships, treating others as equals in the interaction while maintaining both autonomy and fair exchange.

Life is about learning to maintain balanced loving friendships with others who share our deeper feelings and thoughts even if we disagree about some things. When small frictions escalate into a violation of boundaries or our free will, or undermine the love we have shared, then there are problems. When a mood or seduction is undermining a relationship, then we need to be objective, detached, and dispassionate, since these are not easily manipulated by either subconscious images or the desire mind (Kama Manas), the two means by which we are seduced.

We owe it to ourselves to be treated with respect, love, affection, and friendliness. As we embrace and demonstrate these qualities in conscious ways in our relationships it becomes easier to BE these and recognize when something is interfering with them coming forth naturally in a relationship. Practicing “Right Relationship” at each turn of life’s wheel creates a habit of being that way in each interaction. Then over time we become more natural in our heart’s expression with everyone we meet.

As we live these higher qualities the best we're able, we open opportunities to model respect, love, affection, and friendliness to others, and find an ever-wider variety of ways to practice these in our world. And the more we live these qualities (regardless of how we perceive we’re succeeding or failing) the easier it is to offer them to our world.

Whether spontaneous or learned, we can all grow into a greater love, respect, affection, and friendliness toward others with no hidden agendas to mess up the interaction. We may be fallible, but we’re also eternally evolving and growing if we choose to do so. By becoming aware of and renouncing our own hidden agendas, we are naturally able to spot them in our interactions.

As we grow into a healthy Lover archetype we are free to be ourselves, and welcome others to be themselves. That allows us to enjoy the interaction freed from the snares of ego, since we understand healthy and reasonable boundaries. As we change old patterns that attracted the lesser, we begin to live a different way of relating to ourselves, others, our world and experiences, as well as Life itself. Then we ARE the Love we once sought, and can BE that greater Love in our world.

I believe happy and healthy relationships are our destiny, but we have to learn who we are and why we attract what we attract so we can consciously choose to turn away from inner patterns which attract destructive relationships. That’s the reason I wrote The Magic of Venus: Friendships, Soul Mates, and Twin Flames. It explains how and why we attract others based in our charts and what we’ve learned energetically in our dances with countless others throughout our lives. There are chapters on each sign’s archetypal mate qualities, and how our Venus position predisposes us to like some things and people and not others.

There are sections on our emotional cycles across time, how to turn away from unhelpful attractions and seductions, affirmations to attract our perfect mate, and hundreds of other astrological and psychological gems to help readers become clear about how to attract a true friend, Soul Mate, and eventually the Twin Flame. By consciously cultivating healthy relationships, we naturally attract people who will be good to us and for us, who we might have as a friend for the rest of our life. There’s an entire section devoted to Soul Mates, how to recognize them, and the important parts they play in our personal and interpersonal evolution. The book gives the reader the power to re-shape their likes in order to live a more fulfilling life in more joyous relationships.

So truly, Happy Valentine’s Day eve! May you all be inspired to find your Higher Love which will attract truly loving friends and companions, since that will open ten thousand doors to all which nourishes and strengthens the Soul connections which we share.

See you tomorrow with more on the Lover and other archetypes, how our subconscious mind works to pre-program what we believe we like and how that attracts what we need and what we need to change, and the origins of this day dedicated to Lovers across the centuries!

See Part 1 Here!

Reprinted on crystalwind.ca with written permission from Robert Wilkinson. Copying this article to other blogs is strictly prohibited. It is copyright protected. 

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