Over the years I’ve had clients and friends ask me about trust and respect in relationships. While this topic could fill books (and has!), today we’ll take a short look at how to find and maintain trust and respect.

As this was first published almost 6 years ago, I thought it could use reprinting. Each sentence could easily be expanded to a paragraph or two, but this is what originally sprang to mind:

Trust can only be cultivated through honorable actions over time. Without mutual respect, there can be no "trust" in the best sense of the word, since mutual respect allows each to be their authentic self without fear of ridicule or attack.

When there is mutual respect, then we can trust each other to be who we really are, and don't have to fear judgment or manipulation. And of course, trust and mutual respect are essential ingredients to true friendship.

Since then, I’ve contemplated these words from a number of angles. It seems so easy to slip into error and take things for granted and wind up in a misunderstanding. I’ve thought of how many times a bad motive was attributed to a simple misunderstanding, and that damaged the relationship when it didn’t have to. The only thing I could bring out of those unfortunate interactions was to trust my inner sense of things, and trust another to be exactly as they are, rather than who I would like them to be.

I’ve had all kinds of untrue accusations aimed at me throughout the years. That’s taught me to be careful who I trust and how quickly I trust them, while also trusting my instincts which often gave me signals before the meltdown. It also taught me not to blurt out the first thing I assume about a person or situation. And I learned to phrase my words to others carefully, so as not to offend without meaning to.

If we would learn to respect another, we must learn to respect ourselves and our sense of things while still being open to feedback. If we would learn to trust another, we must learn to trust ourselves and our sense of things as well. Though we are often taught to “be objective,” that isn’t necessarily something to be trusted unconditionally, since “objectivity” is in the eye of the beholder.

If we want to cultivate our ability to trust, whether ourselves or another or even that the results of our efforts will turn out beneficially, we have to begin by trusting our ability to find the answers we need, as well as our “inner knowing” arising from our inner voice when it tells us to be circumspect. When we learn to trust ourselves, then we know who to trust and why. This is all about learning to balance a healthy skepticism with the ability to suspend that skepticism when we don’t need it.

Trust in our relationships takes months and even years to develop, and can be shattered in an instant. Whether a simple misunderstanding or a deliberate attack, no one escapes the consequences of ill-conceived speech so perfectly articulated by the great Omar Khayyam: “The moving finger writes; and, having writ, moves on: nor all thy piety nor wit shall lure it back to cancel half a line, nor all thy tears wash out a word of it.” Then we have to trust that regardless of the outcome, we will come through it more aware, and hopefully wiser with greater understanding and compassion.

To know the truth about ourselves or another, even for an instant, should accompany a trust in our own wisdom to know what to do or not do. While it may take a while to come, we must trust our wisdom to show us our Way. We all can access our heart knowledge, our “inner tuition” which enables us to know the truth of a situation.

That’s why respect for ourselves and trust in our wisdom is the first step to a greater respect for others. When we respect our wisdom born of our direct experience, then our respect for the wisdom of others grows. Over time, a shared respect and trust leads us to excellent friendships.

By what another says to us, and how they say it, we can know where their hearts are at. As mutual respect is built through shared experiences, we come to a greater trust in the bond we share. And yet, no matter how long we’ve known them, we must always a) trust them to be themselves, and b) trust our own judgment so that we are seeing others clearly, as well as our own place in the larger scheme of what’s happening.

Once we learn to recognize the greater wisdom which grows within us as we share that wisdom with others, we come to a confidence of trusting what we know as it applies to us. As we cultivate our “inner tuition” and the trust in our inner knowing, we leave behind the need to look “out there” for answers we can only find within. Finding self-knowledge, we find wisdom. In finding wisdom, we find love, trust, and respect, for self and all of Life.

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