Throughout my life I have experienced a series of profound awakenings. Shifts that have radically expanded my awareness, freed me from crucial patterns of familial conditioning, and set ablaze in me a living transmission of healing energy that continues to serve the evolution of so many beings. Along the way of settling into this new abiding level of consciousness, I have had some rather mysterious symptoms that I have finally come to peace with. Here is my personal share.

For at least 14 years, which is both when my awakenings began ramping up as well as when I started working as a healer, my biggest challenge has been……..sleep. I get to that place of feeling ready to drift off into dreamland and as I witness my body resting — nothing happens. I have spent many restless nights meditating on my back, then one side, followed by another, rinse, repeat until the sun begins to shine. Many nights, I would eventually drift off, but would wake up feeling as if I didn’t get any credit for a night spent in bed.

Imagine me leading countless retreats and monthly events per year, 4 sessions a day, 5 days a week — all while only feeling rested by the meditation states I both live in and can access. In awakening, there can be an awareness of complications that while they no longer strike you as problem to judge, it doesn’t mean there isn’t something deeper to be examined, explored, and revealed.

I had heard over the years that when I sleep, I stop breathing. While my lack of sleep hadn’t been a problem for my abiding awareness, it was worth getting checked out at a sleep clinic study. This, along with running blood panels through a naturopathic doctor, the first doctor I had really been to in almost 6 years, would become my renewed dedication to personal wellness to balance out the incredible service I offer the world. Here were the results of my sleep study: If a total of 30 and above indicates advanced sleep apnea, I scored a 54. My average stop breathing time was 23 seconds, which occurred 54 times per hour. Holy bejesus batman! This is a situation. I was grateful for my high score, as it meant I now could survey my healing options.

The solution was simple: learn how to sleep with a C-Pap machine. No big deal: just strap an arcade claw to my face and blow air at me all night. How could it keep me from sleeping? I’ve been there for 14 years — apparently not breathing for 23 seconds at a time, 54 times per hour. Maybe that’s how I channel the Akashic Records...3/4’s of me is already on the other side.

After a week and a half of making friends with this machine, I finally woke up one morning feeling refreshed. At first, getting more sleep felt foreign, so it made me more tired. It feels like an adjustment has happened and as the machine stats suggest: I slept for 8 hours last night with only 8 stop breathing incidents per hour instead of 54. I share this as a way of painting a picture of holistic wellness. While no true depth of healing happens on the physical level without some degree of spiritual evolution and emotional healing, equally so, we are not meant to just heal spiritually and emotionally by negating the importance of the physical. When healing arrives, it invites us to look into every corner, underneath every facet of our lives to find where balance is asking to be restored. Just because it wasn’t labelled a problem by my abiding consciousness, it doesn’t mean there was nothing there to be resolved. In the back of my mind, I always sensed this needed to be examined, but it wasn’t until I slowed the pace of my schedule, where a deeper exploration of health and wellness felt more important and essential.

No matter how afraid you are of doctors, procedures, lab testing, or fearful ‘what if’s’, may we each take responsibility for the needs and well-being of our bodies, as our precious awakening vessels of life force energy. May it not be seen as a failure of your inner healer to seek appropriate medical support, whether choosing modern medicine, a more holistic approach, or even a blend of both. May we come to see caring for our bodies as a way of praising the holy name of our divinity as the light within and beyond all space and time. May we come to see how loving ourselves isn’t just a matter of saying nice words to our most insufferable parts, but taking the time to care for your well-being instead of giving fear more places to hide in you.

My name is Matt Kahn. I have sleep apnea. I am not one side or another, but the radiant glory of all parts combined. Just like you.

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