Lots of people go day by day asking themselves why they can’t find the right person or how they can become more attractive. Believe it or not there is a simple answer; I came across this answer as I was researching more on the subject of personal energy….

What is the answer? “You find the one you love, doing what you love”.

Most people confuse their priorities, they think if they put on more makeup, spend lots of money, work out a lot, act more congenial or buy expensive things they will attract better mates– not necessarily; they may attract more people but not for the right reasons.  We forget at one point or another people will have to see you without any of those things.  I find my gender suffers more of the affliction of false approval than men, which is very saddening as women are a very synergetic gender, which means they have so much to offer to this world.

Unfortunately our modern society keeps trying to make us feel “less than” and encourages us to only keep focusing on the outside yet anything that is only skin deep is in reality no competition and hold no great value.  Focusing on just the exterior can also be very damaging to the soul and very stressful to the mind as there are millions of “beautiful people” out there.  By all means strive to take care of your body; try to do the best you can to keep it healthy; but also strive to work on your mental and spiritual planes as those are where “sexiness” lies–It comes down to balancing all 3 main aspects of our human experience.   Most of us only nurture one or two sides, however, as one balances all 3 main aspects of our nature one becomes more attractive; attractive in a way that has no comparison.  As we start to balance all 3 main aspects of our nature a few things start to happen, some of them are:

Neuroplasticity- Your brain’s ability to rewire itself. As more information is being fed, new connections start to happen in your brain; un-tapped parts of your mind start to switch on. You start seeing the world through clearer eyes–as this takes place your attitude towards the world changes. As your attitude changes, the way your body responds changes. You develop more confidence, you learn to trust yourself and this becomes reflective on the external–your body or body language is a reflection of our internal thinking.  Always keep in mind that real self confidence goes beyond “acting” confident for a few minutes to a few hours.  Real self confidence requires work and is unique to each individual.

Something else that starts occurring as you feed your brain new information, is the ability to think rhetorically which helps develop real empathy; which is the ability to truly feel the world around you. Unlike sympathy which is compassion; empathy means you don’t just become aware of a problem but you can relate to the problem as such your desire and ability to change the problem increases tenfold.

As your mind and soul expand, you start to embrace yourself more and learn to tap onto your full potential.  Once that starts to happen a deep realization hits; one that should have been obvious from day one; you are unique–there is no one like you. You have zero competition!–how marvelous is that?  You are a power to be reckon with; you can offer the world more than just looks, more than just intellect, more than just spirituality–you can tap into your own individuality!

The process of embracing your uniqueness can bring forth many changes in your life, one of them is the ability to accept and value your natural gifts and excel at them, as a result you start doing what you love. When we start living doing what we love, we start attracting new people into our lives. People who can add to your life, with whom you can grow and be real with. There is nothing more sexy than the raw, real you.

Many like to approach people with masks or pick up lines; long term that never works as they are not being authentic; everybody else is doing it. We have to be ourselves to become more attractive.

It’s great to be raw confident (which is the result of being in touch with who you really are) and to trust yourself –even better than that, is the ability to relax into yourself–this will definitely make you more attractive.

A lot of the time when we approach the opposite sex, we feel nervous. Part of the reason we feel like that is because we may not be behaving authentically.  You know you want something from the other person; perhaps you want that person to notice you, to give you his or her number; now you have created expectations on how you would like things to happen. What if the results were to be different than what you’ve expected? You now added what may be another blow to your self esteem–to prevent that, one needs to let go–it’s not easy; sometimes you will do great and other you may not; what matter is that you keep trying.

Let’s talk about “Bad boys” / “Bad girls” –When talking about them,  let us confused them with players. Players; be it male or female; tend to hide behind masks.  For players it’s all about the score, the likes; they want everyone to notice them. They don’t cultivate realism within themselves or with others. They cultivate an image, a distorted image–it doesn’t matter, like any image it won’t last and like any image those people will go through extreme lengths to protect it.

The definition of what used to encompass the terminology “Bad boy” /”Bad girl”has changed. Those terms used to be employed on those who were genuinely confident or what I like to call “raw confident”.  Oddly enough, when using those terms, people were not talking about the “loud mouths” but about the ” quiet/loners” who mostly observe and have no problem giving their opinion and saying it as it is without needing to work hard to make themselves the center of attention–they don’t need it. They are the ones willing to swim against the current nor the people pleasers.

These days the term has been distorted and is often used on people who won’t admit they have a low self esteem, instead choose to cover it up by being “friends”with everyone which is different than being “welcoming” of everyone.

When it comes to self esteem pretty much all of us have something to work on, so why pretend to be someone else? Why pretend to be confident, when confidence is the ability to be unapologetically yourself; with all your quirks and all.  That is why in the past the terminology “Bad boy”/ “Bad girl” was used on those who are now called eccentric, odd, weird; they have the strength to be themselves.  They choose when to be around others as they often enjoy their solitude and prefer to spend time with people who are being authentic and whom they can exchange meaningful conversations.  They are capable of giving their honest opinion, even when doing so will not make them popular–in other words, they don’t give a damn about false approval.

When talking about real sexy men or women, we are talking about those men who have embraced the God in them and those women who have embrace the Goddess in them.  People who know are sexy tend not to be very loud or obnoxious; they know they don’t have to be friends with everyone; as we are all different and shaped by unique experiences and they really don’t care if others like them or not.
You don’t find them at parties or events trying to be the center of attention, trying to “impress the crowd”–they usually have an air that tends to intimidate or irritate those less comfortable in their own skin.  However, when someone is ready to dive deep and face oneself, that person tends to find these “weird” people quite comfortable to be around.

Why are they so attractive? because they are raw and they are real. They remind us they are not willing to sell who they are in order to be accepted, so we tend to be attracted to them.  Even those who claim to dislike them only do so because being next to them is a reminder of the many masks they’ve put on in order to fit in. It is their ability to remain who they are despite what others say and their ability to express their opinion openly without being loud or needing to be the life of the party which makes them sexy men or women.

When we see the opposite sex doing what they love, developing their human nature, integrating all 3 main aspects of themselves, is when we find them very attractive.

For women to become more attractive to men, they need to stop trying too hard. It is wonderful that you take care of your outer appearance, after all the female body is one that has inspired the most beautiful sonnets, and works of art.  An artist friend of mine reminded me a while back of something very important, he said women should keep in mind most men feel that if it takes a woman more than 10 minutes to get ready just to hang out, then she must not consider herself beautiful. You see beauty is not just makeup; it’s personality–that is the beauty my friend was referring to.

We need to realize under the right lighting we can all look good.  Sadly the patriarchal system has ensured women either feel shame and cover up from head to toe, hiding their own opinions and self expresions or they “think” they are rebelling against such system by treating and allowing others to treat them as a piece of meat only—many somehow confuse such saddening behavior with being a “sex symbol” who is liked by everyone. The question I plant to them is this? how are you any better than the person who hides behind layers upon layers?…either extreme allow the use and denigration of your spirit–be a sexy symbol, not a sex symbol–anyone can be a sex symbol, it doesn’t require much effort.  To be a sexy woman requires the ability to look in, to be you and to not let others use you as one would a commodity.   Please remember that at one point or another all the fancy clothes, the jewelry, the extensions, false lashes, makeup will have to come off–when that happens you will have to confront the reality of whether or not you match the expectations you have created of yourself. Do you match them in all 3 levels? or did you create false expectations?  In some ways the same goes for guys, all your fancy toys, all the muscles, all the money, expensive cars will not prevent you from having to talk to someone; unless you don’t care to connect from a deep level, all that shit won’t work.  I have met and worked with people who often used such attitudes of behavior; for a while they defended such paradigm, until something in their lives made them pause and look in and seek help.  During therapy they often discover just how much their attitude is triggered by pain, false conditioning and traumas.  They realized they were not standing up to an ill system but trying to punish it; in the process punishing themselves.  I have listened to both sides (the prude man or woman and the falsely liberated ones) on the outside they may seem different but as they work on themselves they often realize their primary motivation was the same–FEAR.  It is great to be sexually empowered, to dress sexy, to want to look good.  It is also great to want to cover more, to not take center stage, so long as the attitudes are not harming you instead of healing you.

It is important to develop and get in touch with your real personality; I am not talking about “fake persona” because that will also have to come off, a fake congenial personality cannot be maintained for long.  If you want to attract the right person for you ; and we are each unique; then you need to be real about you–the good, the bad, your talents, your strengths, your fears, your wounds without feeling like you need to apologize for your existence.  Why live as apologizing for your fears, traumas, or quirks? They are part of who you are–you may not be perfect but damn it you are strong enough to show your imperfections–give yourself credit!

When women become the “Warrior Queen” it is so attractive, that’s what blows men’s minds. Remember that real men are not afraid of real women. Only “boys” want to feed illusions and “girls” like to give it to them, with neither one of them understanding the real nature and true power of the God/Goddess relationship.

Real women accept the power of the feminine, they don’t judge it or suppress it nor confuse it with being fake. It is in embracing the feminine power that women become truly alluring; alluring in a way that is raw and unique.  Women need to remember that a Real Man comes alive when being challenged to grow as a person; the same goes for women.  Real men like real women who enjoy and embrace growth, even during its difficult times.

The secret for both sexes is real self love and that is a process; not the false cute quotes many use to mask their own hurts–WE ALL HAVE HURTS, AND THAT IS OK, why the hell are we working so hard at pretending we don’t?–This isn’t kindergarten; it’s time to stop playing pretend; yet in our modern society we seem to have exchanged dolls for ourselves and seem to have transferred games to our lives.

As we exist within each other, we need to remember anything that helps you grow as a person is not only good for you but also for your partner. If you are single keeping all of the these in mind will certainly attract those who will resonate with you.
What better way to have a relationship than to have one; in whatever way that applies to you; where YOU can be YOU!

Sofia Falcone
I passionately believe one person can make a difference. I write from my own experiences and interests. It is my greatest hope that by writing about my own challenges and hopes, others may feel inspired to believe more in their inner power and to fully embrace themselves.

Reprinted on crystalwind.ca with permission from Sofia Falcone.

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