A happy relationship is IMPOSSIBLE without trust and commitment, because at every moment we are either building a wall between ourselves and our loved one or a bridge to each other's heart. 

Every interaction between partners counts towards this building, and the deciding factor in whether we open or protect our hearts is the quality and degree of our trust. Without trust, there can be no meaningful connection.

Trust is built and earned slowly. The earliest sharing of our inner self with a new person is superficial and impersonal, allowing us to observe how the other person reacts to us. If he responds in a trustworthy way, we share more emotionally meaningful stories and feelings over time.

When we build a bridge to another person, we do so by making ourselves more vulnerable. By doing so, we build our side of the bridge and become fully emotionally involved as the other person builds their part of the bridge towards us. Trust between two people naturally NEEDS two trustworthy people.

Dr. Gottman's research, based on observations of happy and unhappy couples in his Love Lab, shows that trust is built even in the smallest details. He calls these details connections because each such moment offers an opportunity to emotionally connect the partners.

Sometimes these details are small, seem insignificant, and if we occasionally ignore them, it is not a big problem, because one missing or misplaced cube can be replaced by another in the future. But if small details are consistently ignored, we begin to feel unappreciated, unloved, and hurt. We start building a wall between ourselves and our partner. We share less with him and we don't ask him for what we need.

In the book by Dr. John and Julie Gottman, it is written that the main concern of every partner in a relationship is trust, and  the number one fear is betrayal.

What is building trust in a relationship

According to Dr. Gottman, trust in a relationship exists when partners behave in a way that is in the best interest of both partners. The more trust there is in the relationship, the more they will help each other.

According to Dr. Gottman, trust is the willingness of each partner to make sacrifices for the relationship. When partners are trustworthy, they inherently say to their significant other, “You can count on me.” Repeated displays of trusting behavior allow lovers to find shelter in their relationship together.

To maintain trust, both partners must be fully committed to the relationship. Without commitment, there is no certainty of trust.

How to have a happy relationship? Be 100% Emotionally Committed

When both partners are 100% emotionally committed to building their relationship for the long haul, they have these life benefits:

• The relationship becomes a safe haven for regaining emotional stability, reducing stress/fear/anxiety and regulating our emotions.
• The relationship is built on “we,” with the permanent security of teamwork
• Loyalty: Partners see themselves as irreplaceable
• They build a bridge to each other and push alternative relationships outside the wall
• They value each other, their relationship and cultivate gratitude
• They are one for the other no matter what
• They have a constructive love story and deliberately think about their lover's good qualities while avoiding fixating on their flaws
• They make pro-relationship decisions and sacrifice opportunities for short-term flings to protect the relationship
• When problems arise, they express their needs and feelings to their partner in a constructive way, rather than distancing themselves, harboring resentment, or lamenting about problems in the relationship.
• They explore the world more because they know they can help each other when things go wrong
• They don’t get down on each other during conflicts
• They are willing to acknowledge their personal flaws and work on themselvesbecause they know they are worthy of love, connection and growth
• They are more curious about the world, about her lover and about herself. As a result, they are open to new information
• They assume the best about their partner's words, intentions and behavior

When both partners are trustworthy and committed to their relationship, they invest more in the relationship, make sacrifices for the well-being of both partners, and cultivate gratitude for what they have. Basically, every day they make a deliberate choice to stay in love.

Trust + commitment = security

The foundation of a happy relationship is a deep trust that partners care about each other and will reliably respond when needed.
In the early history of our species, we survived by staying together, so our brains developed a system of emotional bonds that:

1. Monitors the emotional and physical proximity of our lover
2. Motivates us to reach out to our lover for support, when we are unsure, upset, or feel bad
3. We rely on our lover as a secure base to enhance our personal growth and support us in exploring the world.

This emotional bond system basically scans the relationship and asks, “Is it safe? Can I rely on this person? Is this person trustworthy? Is she committed to me?”

When we perceive a disconnect, real or perceived, or sense something that may threaten the security of the relationship, our internal alarm goes off. The goal of the emotional bond system is to gain safety and protection from our partner. It motivates us to seek closeness when we are in need. However, when this goal is not met, the relationship falls apart.

Less security = worse conflicts

A relationship without trust is like a cell phone without a signal... What do you do with a cell phone that has no signal? You play games.

Couples who have built trust in their relationship have drastically different conflict conversations than couples who don't trust each other.

Couples with a high level of trust, according to research by Dr. Gottman, they are more loving and kind during conflict. They focus on maximizing benefit for both partners, are calmer, and accept their lovers' sadness or anger… even if the anger or sadness is the result of something the lover has done.

When our lover is emotionally unavailable or unresponsive to our feelings or needs, the relationship falls apart. We feel alone and helpless. In such situations, our brain is consumed by what neuroscience calls primal panic. When we experience this, we try to maintain our relationship by becoming emotionally demanding or withdrawing. These methods may work at first, but the more they are used, the more toxic cycles of insecurity form in the relationship. Because neither partner trusts the other to be there for them, they become increasingly defensive and assume the worst about each other. The longer partners are without trust, the more they start acting like they are at war rather than lovers.

Virtually every conflict conversation is about building trust and commitment. Directly or indirectly, both partners evaluate security in the relationship and ask: “Can I trust you to stay faithful to me? Am I the most important person in your life? Do you feel my sadness? Do you hear the desire beneath my anger? Will you be there for me when I have a bad day, when I need you?”
When safety in a relationship is not created or maintained, partners begin to betray each other.

The opposite of trust is betrayal

Dr. Not only did Gottman create a trust metric, he also devised a betrayal metric that measures "how unwilling each partner is to sacrifice for the other [partner] and for the relationship."

Betrayal occurs when a partner tries to get the best deal for themselves at the cost of well-being your partner. Examples of betrayal include:

• Persistent failure to listen to the partner's feelings or needs
• Withdrawing from the relationship without any reassurance from the partner
• Threatening to end the relationship as a way to manipulate the partner into commitment
• ​​Emotional and sexual somersaults

When the betrayal metric is high in a couple, it leaves the relationship and partners vulnerable to infidelity and other forms of disloyalty.

How does betrayal work?

Here is the definition of Gottmann's Cascade of Aversion:

• Turning your back on offers of emotional connection (rejection of emotions and loss of emotional connection)
• Conflict escalates and attempts at reconciliation fail to ease the conflict
• Self-revealing feelings and needs are replaced by criticism. Partners avoid conflict
• They focus on spitting on their partner in their thoughts rather than appreciating their good qualities
• Critical comparison (real or perceived). Thoughts begin: "I will be better with someone else."
• Less investment in the relationship and search for an emotional connection outside the relationship
• Slowly a wall is built between the partner and oneself and a new bridge is built to someone else
• Viewing the partner as replaceable and looking for others , more desirable
• Infidelity

Betrayal happens based on the small decisions we make, one step at a time. Part of these choices are due to the interactions in the relationship. Another part is due to complacency. The remainder of these decisions are influenced by our past experiences of trust and commitment. This is why insecure individuals struggle to build a secure relationship.

Early Experiences of Security

Depending on how we were loved by our parents at an early age, we developed one of three love styles.

1. Certain
   your caregivers were responsive, caring, and emotionally available. All emotions were welcomed and you felt supported. As a result, you see yourself as worthy of love and find others trustworthy and willing to commit to you. It makes you look at relationships as working. You are open to learning how to be a better partner, or patiently teaching your partner how to be a better lover to you. In a conflict, you openly share your disappointment and gently ask your partner for support.
2. Clinging
   Your caregivers were affectionate and caring, but inconsistent in meeting your needs. As a result, you tend to be insecure about your own worth and your claim to love. Due to a lack of trust and insecurity about commitment, you often seek confirmation and reassurance that you are loved. During a conflict, you can become hostile and destroy the conflict by bringing up irrelevant issues. A deep fear of abandonment leads you to try to control your partner by making demands or threats, which erodes trust in the relationship.
3. Distant
   Because you were neglected or over-controlled by your parents, you adopt a "I'm not going to depend on anyone" mindset and view others as fundamentally unreliable and untrustworthy. To protect yourself from getting hurt, you tend not to fully commit and/or behave in ways that do not offer reassurance, trust, and security in the relationship.

While our early experiences show us the blueprint for how to love and be loved, our adult relationships offer the opportunity to adjust that blueprint to something safer and healthier. When we invest in our relationship and work on it to bring the best that we have, we also change the way we love. We become more open, trusting and confident in our belief that we are worthy of love and connection.

Building trust in a relationship

You need to negotiate and work together in a way that takes into account the well-being of both partners. Each partner must show up, bring their best selves, and intentionally focus on being kind, patient, generous, and loving to themselves and each other. In order for a relationship to stand the test of time, both partners must commit to making amends, solving problems, making time for play and bonding, and truly caring for each other.

Skills and activities that build trust and commitment in a relationship:

Dealing with conflict

Building trust requires moving from a mode of defense against attack to a mode of sharing feelings and cooperation. Understanding each other is the first step before trying to solve your problems. When you do this, you turn conflict into a catalyst for connection and trust. A trustworthy partner sees their partner's problems in the relationship as their own and works hard to fix them.

Healing Old Emotional Wounds

In order to restore trust, it is vital that couples dig up past events where trust was broken and work through them together so that the pain is no longer a barrier between them.

Respond to hookup offers

Sometimes seemingly insignificant hookup offers are the most meaningful of all. Do your best to be aware of the offers your partner is making and respond by connecting with them.

Attunement

Attunement is the ability to enjoy your partner's joys and success and to be concerned when they are going through a difficult time. This is possible only when you understand each other on a deep level.

Be emotionally available

Stay open with your partner even when you feel insecure. This includes learning to work with your emotions so they don't overwhelm you and cause you to attack or withdraw.

Be a reliable lover

Trust is built when your words and actions match on a consistent basis. Basically, you say what you're going to do and you follow through.

Accountability

When you make a mistake, you take responsibility for your mistake, apologize, and make amends. It is impossible to trust someone who does not take responsibility for their actions.

Protect Your Lover's Vulnerabilities

When vulnerabilities and insecurities are used as weapons in a relationship, partners have betrayed each other. Building trust means protecting what your partner shares with you and not using it against them, even when you're upset.

Ask for help

A trusting relationship only develops when both partners can ask for help. This means openly expressing wants and needs. If you feel bad for needing help, then you need to do some inner work to deal with the subconscious double standard. You can't judge yourself for needing help, and you can't judge others for needing your help.

Small Steps Build Trust and Commitment

While most people believe that trust is built through grand gestures in a relationship, the research cited in this article highlights that trust is built in small, seemingly insignificant moments. These are the moments that demonstrate your commitment to your partner. These are the moments that highlight you as a trustworthy lover and as someone capable of sincerely caring and protecting your partner's heart.

A happy and long-term relationship is built on a solid foundation of trust and commitment. When we dedicate ourselves to cultivating an atmosphere of mutuality and offering our true selves to our lover, and when he does the same, we are building something deeply meaningful and beautiful.

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