In winter, the bedroom window has a view of the nearby stream, which we greatly appreciate. In summer, the leaves on the trees enclose the space and it feels like living in a secluded treehouse. Both are lovely.

It would be easy enough to go the other way, lamenting the loss of the stream view in the summer, or bemoaning in the winter the visibility of nearby houses. It isn’t always the case that we shape our realities with our choices, but sometimes that really is the case. In terms of everyday life, our choices about what we focus on have a huge impact.

When you don’t have a lot of good options, it isn’t possible to make good choices. However, unless your life is beset by constant strife, there are usually some good options available. I’ve lived through some grim domestic abuse, but even then a beautiful flower or a pretty sky could still impact on me and I was always open to those things.

When the only good things are the tiny joys, it can feel like a diet of crumbs. It’s still better than nothing, and there’s a lot to be said for going after those crumbs. It’s also important not to internalise the idea that the diet of crumbs is either enough, or deserved.

The most unhappy people I have met along the way have not also been the most unfortunate people I’ve known. What the unhappy people have had in common is a tendency to focus on whatever makes them unhappy and to ignore or reject better things. People I know who have endured truly terrible things actually tend to be better at making the best of anything good that comes their way. Some of this is clearly about perspective and whether a person sees small setbacks for what they are, or as massive and unfair disasters.

We all experience horrible, difficult things sooner or later. To some degree we get a choice about what we do with it and how we carry it. When you’re recovering from trauma, the trauma can continue to dominate your world, and that takes a while to sort out. You can’t recover if the trauma is ongoing. Sometimes all you can do is try to focus on surviving.

Taking time for gratitude can really help with all of this. Identifying good experiences and giving them extra attention can be part of a healing process. Watching out for what good there is can help make awful situations more bearable. Alongside this it’s important to be aware of the things not to be grateful for. You do not have to be grateful for the lessons if you’re being crushed by what’s happening to you. If devastating experience has forced you to be strong, you do not have to be grateful for having to find that strength.

Being well, and having a good relationship with the rest of the world depends on having a realistic understanding of what’s going on. It’s worth shrugging off the small hurts and stresses to focus on better things. It’s important to acknowledge deep wounds and serious harm and not to try and persuade ourselves that this is somehow ok. Balance, as ever, is the key.

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